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Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in
hilding's InsaneJournal:
| Wednesday, April 15th, 2009 | |||
| 5:20 pm | I hate depression. I have been going along, having a pretty good day. I bought some new paints that I had been looking forward to for a couple of weeks. I had some time to break them in. Suddenly, I'm lying in bed crying. Nothing went wrong. I didn't have a fight, I didn't get any bad news, nothing went wrong. I just crashed. Stupid depression. I still want to go to bed, but I have people demanding my attention. It's cranking up the volume of the voice in my head. If it doesn't go away soon, I'm going to end up in bed anyway. | ||
| Saturday, October 18th, 2008 | |||
| 2:32 pm | No one likes me OK, that's not quite true, but none of my friends are available right now. My kids are refusing to do homework or chores, as applicable, and the stress of constantly pushing them is killing me. I was supposed to go on a date last night, but all my regular sitters were busy. I'm trying to go tonight. I worked things out with my wife, but I still can't find a sitter, so it's all for naught. | ||
| Thursday, October 9th, 2008 | |||
| 7:07 am | Kids I did a dream analysis the other day, the result of which is that my life is a struggle between my kids creating disorder and me fixing it, and feeling some guilt over the things I need to do to reestablish order. I'm seriously loosing my mind. the child in front of me is moving so slowly getting ready for school that I want to jump up and scream at them, they have already missed the bus, so I am going to have to take them to school, which is fairly expensive. Well, they're finally ready so I'll TTYL | ||
| Tuesday, June 24th, 2008 | |||
| 4:24 pm | hate I want to eradicate myself. I read in http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/ that a person who is suicidal has a method that matters, and will not kill himself by some alternative method, but I'm not sure he's right.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (middle xed out so as not to harm those who are close to the edge themselves.) | ||
| Monday, June 23rd, 2008 | |||
| 8:04 pm | damn it The voice is back. I'm only an hour and a half late taking my drugs, and here he comes. "Just Quit", he says. "Give in. Go to bed. Or hey, you could always KILL YOURSELF." He's so obvious about it. No attempt at persuasion, no attempt at reason. I know his voice, so he's not fooling me that he's me. Maybe he thinks that since he's just words in my head and not actual sounds that I won't know the difference, but he doesn't sound like me. For one thing, I don't want to die, so I don't obsess about suicide. Well, the drugs have kicked in now, and my family walked in, so I'll talk to you next time I fight the voice. | ||
| Thursday, June 19th, 2008 | |||
| 4:59 pm | I have a new Dr http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/ This guy is good. He's funny, and he does his homework. His favorite diagnosis seems to be Narcissism. BTW, I'm changing med to seroquel. They're probably sugar pills. | ||
| Tuesday, June 10th, 2008 | |||
| 3:03 pm | I don't know whether to cry or cry I am despondent. No good reason, just am. it's called depression, stupid. I hate being here. I wish I were locked up, so I would have something to complain about. I feel sad for no reason, but I can;t shake it, and then the voice in my head starts in with his chant of "Kill yourself" or "I wish I were dead" or something like that. No arguing, because he knows I would win an argument. No persuasion. My demon is a nazi propagandist. | ||
| Monday, June 9th, 2008 | |||
| 10:02 pm | more drugs Still on abilify. MD keeps raising dose. up to 30 mg/d now. also taking 2 mg thiothixene as needed to control thoughts. It's not really helping. I still want to die for at least some of every day. I'm not coping well with stress. | ||
| Tuesday, April 8th, 2008 | |||
| 10:16 pm | To which voice will I listen The voices in my head won't shut up. I think it's clear that satan hates me, and is afraid of what will happen if I break free. I wish there were an easy way to get him to shut up. I'm having a hard time getting any work done with having to constantly stop to chase the voices away. Current Mood:  aggravated | ||
| Friday, February 15th, 2008 | |||
| 2:52 pm | more life-hating I feel like things are spiralling out of control. I should be putting my children in the car so I can go to the store, but instead I am sitting here wishing I had something fun to escape into. I can hear my addiction calling me. I am fighting, but I am not sure I am winning. I keep hearing in my head "kill yourself", like a broken record, and I just want something, anything, to drown it out. Abilify was working, but over the last couple of days, it is not working so well. I keep picking up jobs and putting them down again. And my SO is wrapped up in it's own problems, so no help is to be found there. | ||
| Wednesday, February 6th, 2008 | |||
| 3:27 pm | Hmm. They want me to post a picture. Let me think. Um, no. This is a place where I can post my insanity in relative anonymity. Why would I do anything that might tip my hand. I am truly insane. I don't like it. Right now I hate my depression. I hate whoever or whatever is making me so crazy. I am on a new medicine, and it seems to be helping with paranoid ideation, but now my depression is coming in from the outside, crushing me. It feels like an attack. My Psycho. thinks it's a sign that my med needs changing. My Psychi. thinks it's a sign that the med is working and I should do more cog. therapy. I think they might be using me as a guinea pig. Why is it that the new, expensive medicines are the ones that they try first, and are unwilling to give up on? I'm spending about $500 on drugs. Now that's truly crazy. I hate how much time the insanity robs from me and my family. | ||
| Tuesday, March 27th, 2007 | |||
| 3:31 pm |
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| Monday, March 26th, 2007 | |||
| 7:02 pm | insanity is hereditary Yeah, we've all heard the joke. That being said, I'm losing my mind. My son is driving me crazier. he always wants attention. if he doesn't get it, he breaks stuff. he won't be responsible for himself. he acts less mature than his baby brother. he does things that his sister hates so she will get angry. he treats everything in the house as if it were his, and he often believes it really is. I honestly think about institutionalizing him several times a week. I don't hate him, but I hate how the entire family has to live their lives around his behavior problems. | ||
| Friday, March 23rd, 2007 | |||
| 5:13 pm | crazy is my life I just said "just pants for Peter." It's a stupid thing to say, but it sounds like it could be the name for a band, doesn't it? Current Mood: paranoid Current Music: beauty school dropout from grease | ||
| Thursday, March 22nd, 2007 | |||
| 9:05 pm | webcomics webcomics are like champagne. It tastes like it's harmless, but it will make you lose track of huge amounts of time. I love webcomics, but they are killing me. They suck me in. I wish I could afford the time I spend on them. If I gave them up, I could probably afford to write, but then what would I do when I needed to run away from reality? I wish there was an escape that I could escape from. Heh. There's probably a poem in that line somewhere. Maybe I'll ask a poet about it. | ||
| 6:52 pm | since no one is reading anyway I just had a thought. When a man builds or buys something long and thin, it's phallic, and it's there to make people think he has a large penis. If a man gets something large and round, it's because he is obsessed with breasts. How does that work? either what a man gets is what he wants to pretend he is, or it's something he finds desirable. not both. If you say it's whichever fits, you build a catch-22 situation, where anything a guy does calls him guilty. What's up with that? And then, ask yourself why men either have to be homophobes or gay? I'm not saying that reflects reality, just peoples' attitudes. I wear purple. Get over it. If I'm gay, why do I have four children, and no interest in men? But if I do anything "womanly", like have long hair, or stay home with my kids, instantly I'm effeminate, and suspected of being gay. everything is not about sex. sex is about lust and trust. | ||
| Tuesday, March 20th, 2007 | |||
| 1:41 pm | I hate when I do this I can't find my bluetooth dongle. I'm afraid it might be in the trash. Current Mood: aggravated | ||
| Wednesday, March 14th, 2007 | |||
| 1:50 pm | old friends I have been wondering what happened to some old friends. If you are or know any of these people, let me know how they are doing. I have listed the state where I knew them, although in most cases they are not there now. Ditto Maxus UT Amber Christensen UT Gowan Campbell CA | ||
